once upon a time, in 2020…

…everything changed forever.

dId YoU kNoW a lot of bad/awful/terrible/heartbreaking things happened in 2020 for very many people? Two of my closest, bestest people in my life were working in healthcare the heart of the pandemic - the trauma, the mistreatment, the backlash was brutal, and all I could do was support from my home like everyone else.

I woke up from a nap on March 13 to an email titled, “CLOSURE OF HAMLET”. Only three rehearsals into my first ever role penned by the bard himself, (that’s fancy theatre talk for Shakespeare *puts hair behind ears*) and it was over.

Mmmkay. Still hadn’t fully woken up yet, but sure, yeah, ok, it’ll all be ok.

Then the impact of all the dominos falling was hit me. On top of the show and that income loss, I lost 4 big marketing projects and a potential role in a Disney film. I had no income, not prospects, nuthin’. It felt like everything was starting to take off for me as an actor and consultant and suddenly, it was all gone.

Like many regular civilians with no important job during lockdown, I went on a lot of walks and distanced myself socially. It was in the silence and calm reflection that I was not operating life in a healthy way. Realizations flooded me.

I was suffering from 4 eating disorders.

It came to head when I was torturing myself over which diet to do so I didn’t gain weight. Let me break this down - my biggest stressor during a deadly global pandemic was about gaining weight. That ain’t good.

I will proudly say I went through the process of learning intuitive eating, and have been in remission for 4 years and counting. I know there is no such thing as being fully healed and some of these mindsets always live within me; trying to pounce at any sign of vulnerability and dysmorphia days. Each day I get stronger and my resistance is based in love.

I won’t get into the specifics of my illness, but I found so much love, patience, and grace within myself through it. THROUGH it. I had to go through, face my fears, accept accountability, and train myself how to have a better relationship with food, exercise, and myself.

Another light bulb moment was how prolonged people pleasing affected every aspect of my relationships and decisions. It riddled me with anxiety. By lifting the people pleasing veil, I came to realize how many people benefitted from my my fear of conflict and confrontation. I was so desperate (too desperate) to be accepted and loved.

To this day, I am still uncovering moments of mistreatment and disrespect from my past that I allowed to happen, and have vowed to never again let these behaviors go unchecked. I don’t present this as a victim, but rather, I have been stepping into my power and realizing my worth and value are infinitely higher than I ever thought.

Ok! So we were healing the eating disorders and people pleasing. Choosing myself was feeling kind of great, tbh.

As I shifted the trajectory of my focus and career, I started dedicating my time and energy to my film career - too much time and energy.

I try too damn hard when I want something. I used to be so addicted to being a results driven person by doing THE MOST that I not only wasn’t enjoying the journey, but I was white knuckling my way through it with desperate energy.

I had casting directors of big networks and agents stroke my fragile ego while forking over too much money - sitting in my office with my audition blue screen and box light set ups waiting for hours to get 5 minutes of their time. I got so burnt out and disillusioned, I almost chucked my computer out of a window. I wasn’t booking anything.

And I haven’t booked anything for 4 years.

But that’s another story I’ll get back to later…

In the fall of 2020, I was in the midst of these workshops and healing myself. Things kinda felt good at that time. And then, everything REALLY changed…